One of the challenges of divorce is dealing with two types of equity – emotional and financial – when the two may be distinct and even discordant.

Consider this set of circumstances. The husband, the breadwinner of the relationship, desires the divorce. He is willing to pay above and beyond what is economically fair because he feels responsible for the emotional toll his decision is taking on his wife. Here the economic and emotional equity seem to match.

Now take the example of the financially dependent wife, who is the catalyst for the divorce. She wants to end the marriage, and wants alimony. The husband does not want the marriage to end, and on top of that, cannot fathom why he should be penalized by having to pay alimony in order to appease a situation he opposes. The financial reality and the laws governing divorce would dictate one type of settlement to create a financial equity. Emotional equity, however, might look quite different.

The law gives us some guidance, but it requires us to see things through a different lens – without the messy, colored entrails that are feelings. According to law, marriage is a financial partnership; divorce terminates and divides the partnership, but there the analogy waivers. Dividing a marital estate requires an examination of multiple variables such as the parties’ material and nonmaterial contributions and the parties’ economic needs. The goal is for each party to be able to enjoy a reasonably comparable standard of living as experienced during the marriage. It’s not a meritocracy; the party who was the greater contributor, may leave with less than she would consider her “share.”

Many married people have endured all levels of compromise in an effort to make their marriage work. Sometimes this results in tolerating unmet needs for years. There may be recurring tension whenever the issue arises, but it is never resolved to anyone’s satisfaction. The parties may have the illusion that they are living in an in between, conflicted situation, but the emotional conflict is not the tactile reality.

No matter how unhappily the parties regard the status quo, it will serve as the foundation from which future decisions will be made. That is, divorce will give weight to the facts, much less weight to the feelings about the facts. The law regards adults as conscious decision-makers, responsible for the natural consequences of their choices. Adults are even held responsible for decisions made through omission or passivity, good reason, inaction, or aversion to conflict or change. Choosing to continue on in a relationship that isn’t meeting certain needs may not feel like an affirmative choice, but the law regards this as a choice indeed.

This is to say that the law gives little to no weight to your feelings about the decisions you made year after year. In mediation, we can take into consideration whatever the parties deem relevant and certain inequities can be considered, if the parties choose.

The power in mediation comes in making new choices and moving forward based on what has been learned, both what worked and what didn’t.

Where Is the Equitable in Equitable Distribution? Part 2

In Part 1, we looked at the legal treatment of marriage as an unemotional financial partnership. This is intrinsically problematic for those facing divorce, as divorce is inherently emotional. When clients are seeking to have emotional equity manifest in their financial settlement, they will likely be frustrated and disappointed.

In the marital partnership, each party typically contributed in various ways, with the idea that they were investing in a particular future together. When the prospect of that future is removed, previous investments, choices, and sacrifices may suddenly seem foolish.

• Foregoing a career-building position in order to remain home, raise children and support a spouse’s career looks one way when you are planning to share the financial benefits you encouraged your spouse to obtain. Faced with supporting yourself after ten years out of the work place, with no prior intention of returning, and without the benefit of the security you thought you were building – is a different thing altogether.
• Working two jobs so your wife can remain home and raise your children so you can collectively benefit from the increased income while creating a homelife you relish looks one way when you are planning to raise the children into young adulthood together, sharing the fruits of your collective labor. It looks quite different when you are faced with living apart from your family, being required to work and produce the same level of income you previously did, and being responsible for supporting a spouse who didn’t work because of the original bargain you struck when planning the future that is now being abandoned.

There are so many levels of unfairness intrinsic in dismantling a marriage. Essentially, the decision to divorce invites a reevaluation of earlier choices with a tendency towards regret.

• “I certainly wouldn’t have supported you if I thought I’d end up being required to pay you alimony.”
• “I never would have stopped working at the height of my career if I thought I’d be solely responsible for my financial needs again at age 48, after decades out of the work force.”

We depend on one another and make choices accordingly, and then find what we depended upon has changed. This is true in all areas of life, not only in divorce. We are dynamic beings in an inconsistent world and much is beyond our control. We make the best decisions we are equipped to make in the specific moment, with limited knowledge and foresight. The future is unknown and uncertain for us all. Moving forward, we may begin making choices that are both loving and self protective.

How would considering your well being and security affect your current decision making style?

Where Is the Equitable in Equitable Distribution? Part 3

A divorce is not going to make whole what you didn’t resolve in the marriage.

You are ending the marriage that you had, not the marriage you should have had. And herein lies the opportunity, for any time we address “life on life’s terms” and make decisions accordingly, we are orienting ourselves to what is. Working with what is, is the only way to create meaningful, sustainable change – to shape a life reflecting what you ultimately want. There is freedom to look honestly at what didn’t work and choose to do things differently – to line things up with your values and preferences.

Eliminate criticism and judgment. Examine the facts. This creates the possibility for creative decision making and skillful action.

Eckhart Tolle, in his book A New Earth says, and I paraphrase, “The present moment is all we have. Fortunately, it’s also all we need.”Essentially, all that is curative can take place in this very moment. The past doesn’t get fixed up in the past – no matter how much time or energy we spend revisiting it, shaking the dust from it, rearranging and examining it – we are still completely powerless over it. Our power is in the present. So the past, whatever it involved, created certain realities that are alive in the present. It also created feelings that are equally alive in the now.

What do we do with the unfairness that developed in the marriage or is a result of the divorce? How do we resolve issues hitherto unresolveable? We can address all of this by acknowledging what is, the feelings surrounding what is, and the current needs resulting from those facts and feelings. We can get our needs heard and often met. And that is healing. “When people get what they need, they heal,” said a wonderful therapist colleague. A famous line from a play says, reflecting on an unmet childhood wish, “I don’t want it now, I want it then.”

Ahhhh, but then is no more. We can’t have it then, but we can address the feelings of loss, sorrow, and anger that we have now. We can meet those feelings in ways they weren’t met in the past. We can meet them with compassion, gentleness and grace. We can begin to investigate what we need and begin to give ourselves just that. We can’t get it fixed up for back then or redo it so we’ll feel differently now. We can greet ourselves, one another, and our current reality (which was likely created by doing our best with what we had available at the time) and we can simply ask: how do I feel and what do I need?

Now is the time to practice kindness and compassion towards yourself and fully inhabit the present. Beating ourselves up gives us a false sense that we are actually doing something, but in reality it is diverting energy that could otherwise be used constructively.

Begin with this gentle self-inquiry:

• What feelings am I experiencing now as a result of what happened during my marriage?
• What can I do to care for myself and the uncomfortable feelings I’m experiencing?
• What kinds of support do I need now?