Part I Connection

Divorce is trauma. Healing from trauma cannot happen in a vacuum. Two factors that divorce and trauma have in common are loss of connection and loss of control.

Trauma can be any experience that overwhelms the individual’s system — an experience that the individual is not equipped to handle. A young child left by a parent overnight locked in a dark room can be a trauma for that child. He cannot escape, hasn’t the physical strength to free himself, and has nowhere to turn. The experience is a loss of connection to the caregiver and an utter loss of control over his surroundings and himself. An adult civilian captured by a gun-wielding terrorist hasn’t the skills to fight back. He is entirely at the mercy of his captor and likely experiences terrible powerlessness, even over his physical body, which may go into shock. 

The trauma of a divorce, particularly if it is unwanted or comes as a shock, can be helpfully met by addressing these two concepts — connection and control — and the actions they imply. I call them the two Cs.

The First C of Coping with Divorce: Connection

When a primary relationship feels threatened by an imminent divorce, and can no longer provide an orienting, dependable, and regulating benefit, establishing other connections is paramount.  When the marriage has satisfied a lot of relational needs, its ending can feel especially traumatic.

Contrarily, often leading up to a divorce, the marital relationship has deteriorated to the extent that it lacks the benefit of ongoing co-regulation.  That is to say, often divorcing people have not had their significant needs met for some time, making the need to establish healthy connections all the more immediate.

Traumatology reveals that self-regulation is mythology. That is, no one can regulate herself alone. Co-regulation is how we humans learn to soothe, ground, and return to a functional and tolerable state of being. We need one another. This might help inform at least one aspect of the tendency to cling to a partner who is leaving, as well as why the threat of losing a close connection can be so destabilizing.  One might be quite literally losing an inherent component of how he regulates himself.

While the ”clinging” reaction to the threat of losing a critical relationship is understandable, it is not the path to regaining balance. The intense need for care and connection must be addressed urgently! Without shame or suppression — these fervent needs are signs of life! To be met and held and helped! Just not by the partner who has expressed a need for separateness. These needs must be heeded and met by other resources. Often, those in marriages that are ending, who find themselves desperate and shaken, have not been in a healthy situation for some time and may find themselves shy of a rich variety of available supports. What is suggested below keeps that in mind. 

Find many groups — 12-Step Groups such as Al-Anon and Co-Dependants Anonymous use the same tried and true meeting format and literature as AA and are suitable for people who are not struggling with substance addiction or even immediately affected by those with substance abuse issues but are nonetheless struggling. 

These groups provide wise guidance from sources of universal wisdom, and they provide a gentle environment to be with other people in a friendly, authentic way. Visiting a group is typically a welcoming experience, and it is often a safe place to sit quietly in the company of others seeking and often providing help. I mention this resource because it offers an immediate, measured way to get out of isolation and be in a predictable, supportive, structured environment for an hour. At no cost. A basket is passed, and those who can contribute a dollar or so do; those who cannot or prefer to demur, simply pass the basket. 

Not every group is suitable for everyone, however, if someone has the tolerance to try a couple of groups, they will likely find a fit soon. These groups offer community and various tools to stay connected with members and try out a new way of being with others. 12-Step Groups are pervasive, in most communities at various times throughout the week.

Other groups friendly to newcomers are activity groups searchable on Facebook or Meetup sites. Groups that are established, meet regularly, and do something together, such as walking or hiking can be a good start. Socializing is not the main focus, so there is less pressure to interact, but you can still get the benefit of being around others in a friendly way while helping your body regulate by engaging in physical movement and by being natural, which is rejuvenating and calming.

The healing benefits of being in a group differ from the also important benefits of intimate one-on-one relationships. Mature groups have their atmospheric system and structure that tend to be solid and dependable particularly apt for people in the early stages of coping with divorce or other trauma.

Just like walking in the forest and swimming in the sea return us to some primordial aspect of ourselves, being welcomed into a tribe of humans working with similar issues also resonates with something deep and ancient inside and restores us to a place of connection and belonging.

Part 2 Control

Control sometimes gets a bad rap and is used pejoratively, as in “she’s so controlling,” and “he’s a control freak.” This sort of control usually refers to the neurotic behavior of someone who, paradoxically, feels out of control and is struggling to gain a sense of control by over-exerting demands or insisting upon parameters on other people and situations.  

Perhaps the first thing to say about control is the importance of distinguishing what is within and outside of one’s control.  When going through a divorce, it can seem like everything is outside, from one’s living situation, frequency of time with children, options regarding work, finances, status as unpartnered, and future of other close relationships affected by the divorce. This is only a partial list of what divorce threatens to upend. It’s certainly understandable that a sense of disorder, uncertainty, and chaos can be overwhelming and even crippling.

When up against vast uncertainty, finding a way towards power and efficacy is the first order of business.   

How do we regain control?

In general: start slow and stay safe. 

• Start slow: You do not need to gain control over everything to feel in charge of your situation. It may be that you make one small decision and follow it through. Completing a small task can change your inner state and make it easier to do more.
• Stay Safe: This is the essential piece — the inner attitude that accompanies each small step forward; showing yourself enormous compassion, regardless of how your efforts turn out. Instead of ridiculing yourself that you aren’t up to your usual standards, keep in mind the disruption you are dealing with and treat yourself with gentleness. You will likely need to be reminded of this regularly, as this approach starkly contrasts with how we normally attempt to “whip ourselves into shape” during crises. 
• Do Less: Lighten your load where possible. Again, that is an act of acknowledging how much you are currently up against and organizing around the present reality. Try breaking tasks into smaller components. When that is unhelpful, try doing any task that you can, that appeals to you in the slightest. You may not have the concentration to update your resume, but you may be able to choose the font that you wish to use for it or identify someone who you trust to help you and schedule a time to tackle it together. This is another way to encourage getting some success under your belt, practicing kindness, and combatting overwhelm.

Staying safe also means keeping unnecessary challenges at bay for the present. Delay addressing non-urgent interpersonal situations. This is not avoidant, rather it is thoughtful and conscientious to measure your capabilities and inner resources and triage accordingly. When you are more settled and feel more in control of yourself and your situation, your efforts will likely have better outcomes. Some things can wait while you attend to helping yourself feel and get better.

Let’s take a simple example of the practice of “start slow and stay safe” in action. You decide to nourish yourself with a healthy meal. You find you aren’t up to going to the store or cooking, so instead of allowing that to be the end of it, a failure, and another opportunity to feel out of control and beat yourself up, you order a takeaway or delivery of something nutritious, and you invite yourself to experience the feelings of pride about your flexibility and determination in following through with this simple but essential task of caring for your body. 

What is important in this little example? A couple of things. 

First, it is the shift of utilizing kindness towards yourself in all things, all the time. This will change everything. Gaining control of how you are with yourself, how friendly and safe you make it for yourself, is one of the supreme goals of life. This, this building an inner relationship of care and kindness, is the actual goal, much more than the meal. 

Second, you are widening the way you measure success, implementing a wonderful skill of flexibility and ease with yourself and the world. By acknowledging that you are not up to all that your original plan required, ( i.e. driving, shopping, preparing a meal) you attended to your own inner state without abandoning the overall goal — to eat something rich in nutrients. While this might seem simple, consider the opposite and often default approach if one is overwhelmed: it can be a childish insistence on having it one way or not at all. Gently acknowledging the present reality and meeting it with flexibility is leadership (versus unyielding dictatorship). 

When multiple aspects of life are out of control, taking some small steps to experience your agency builds the foundation needed to support taking bigger steps soon. As you begin to experience yourself as capable of mastering small challenges — taking a walk, opening the mail, getting the car washed — all with an attitude of self-compassion, your trust in yourself will strengthen, and your ability to make decisions with confidence will grow. As you embark on creating a safe and friendly way of relating to yourself, you will be developing a benefit few people have and all people, in one way or another, aspire to. You will have the inner haven of your own attention and advocacy.