There are few things more terrifying than the unknown. We want to feel like we have our feet under us and have some control over our lives, but going through a difficult time affects us both externally (one’s life structure) and internally (one’s center). So how do we create some stability for ourselves and our families when we are going through a disruption like divorce?

First, like any kind of crises, it is going to require extra resources and a return to basics. A clinician and therapist said, ”When you go through a time that is particularly difficult, it is just like going through a storm. You hold on tight and deal with the basics.”

Second, acknowledge the difficulties and make shifts in priorities. Instead of expecting yourself to start another Master’s Degree, you might in fact help yourself by setting simple, achievable goals. There will be time for more complex and esoteric things once you are in calmer waters.

Goals may include:

• Maintain a regular schedule: eating, sleeping and family time
• Focus on the basics: food, shelter, meal preparation, etc.

By lowering our expectations of ourselves, we can actually create the fertile environment in which we can do and be more.

Marsha Linehan, the founder of dialectical behavioral therapy, suggests that we not make major decisions or take irreversible actions while in a highly emotional state. She discusses three states of mind, which she calls: “emotional mind,” “rational mind,” and “wise mind.”

• Emotional mind is the state of being flooded with emotion – e.g. so angry we see red, so upset we cannot think clearly, etc.
• Rational mind describes the state when we are able to be completely logical and reasonable, and unaffected by our emotions – to the point of not being informed by them or tapped into our intuitive, or “gut” feelings.
• Wise mind is the state we strive to inhabit as much as possible and where we want to be situated when making decisions. In wise mind we are grounded, with access to our reason and logic, yet we are also present in our bodies, and in touch with our higher selves.

The goal when in a state of heightened emotion and upset may simply be to find the way back to wise mind.

While in the throes of divorce (or any other crisis, for that matter) heed this: now is not the time to quit smoking, sell all your belongings, move into an RV and go nomadic. Now is the time to breathe deeply, hug your pets, and eat something.

Creating Stability in A Time of Transition – Part 2

In Part 2, we will focus on some concrete things you can do to create structure in your kids’ lives even if you are not in a secure place yourself.

When going through a divorce, so many things are abnormal:

• The house,
• The finances,
• The living situation,
• The kids’ schedules.

How can you create structure for your kids that will start giving them that sense of stability and security?

The more predictable and consistent their schedule, the more safe they will feel. It will foster a sense of trust in you and their other parent, particularly if you are starting to implement a shared parenting schedule.

Things to try:

Start by under promising. At a time when we may want to overcompensate, it’s better to resist that urge, and be disciplined in what you commit to. Far better for the children to have a few promises they can rely on than many they cannot. Choose a couple of things that you stick to and that they can count on, no matter what. If you are not able to do a lot of things you used to do because they are money dependent, you might just start a couple of non-money dependent activities. These new “traditions” can be quite simple. Depending upon the age of the kids, you may read one story before bed, or talk about what they hope to dream about for a few minutes at bedtime. Develop a set of customs that can be practiced in both households such as:

• Bedtime is 9 o’clock.
• Each parent reads a story at bedtime (maybe from the same series).
• Wednesday nights are spaghetti night.
• Weekly trip to the library to choose books for bedtime, movies to watch together.

Things that are organizing for kids are going to be organizing for the adult structure, too, and can start helping the parents create a unified family culture that spans the two households. Wednesday night is spaghetti night – both at Mom’s and Dad’s. These events can not only be helpful with co-parenting, but can create a consistency between households, reinforcing the safety of a familial structure and helping the children experience the parents as a unit. Adjusting to the new living and custody arrangement will be helped by the family community continuing to meet the children’s fundamental needs for structure and reliability.What have you found to be the most stabilizing and useful things for your kids and for yourself during a time of great upheaval and transition like divorce?