There are many things that no one tells you about divorce. This article – an article in four acts – concerns itself with four major, often overlooked problems with the divorce process. Bringing attention to them can help you prepare and adjust your expectations accordingly. Consider yourself forewarned. And hopefully forearmed.

I. Delays – a multifactorial problem

In the divorce process, hurry up, rev up, and then wait. Divorce, especially if you are litigating, is replete with delays. You are expecting something to happen on a certain date, and then one of the attorneys whose attendance is mandatory gets Covid. Now you are rescheduling the event and all participants – i.e. two attorneys, two clients, and maybe one mediator. Availability is complicated not only by your parenting and personal obligations but by the common scheduling complications and commitments of each participant. Plus, any ancillary professionals needed — psychologists or actuaries providing forensic reports, for example — require coordination, timing adjustments, follow-ups, and patience. It can take a couple of weeks simply to schedule a meeting; it can take weeks to months to receive reports.

Why is this worth mentioning? The amount of preparation required for most divorce-related meetings requires reviewing and refamiliarizing yourself with documents, and historic events, refreshing intentions and desired outcomes, and organizing and digesting material — bringing it all forward into short-term memory so it is ready for the upcoming meeting. Often preparation requires rehashing triggering events and reacquainting yourself with the unfriendly subject matter. Timelines of events that call custody into question; budgets, asset, and debt data – topics and material that were difficult during the marriage present new complexities in divorce. Delays are problematic because preparation requires such an investment of time, work, expense, and emotional energy; the mere thought of having to set everything down only to pick it up and reprepare is daunting. All of this can be emotionally triggering and psychologically taxing. When the meeting is delayed, that preparation typically won’t hold exactly as is but will need to be revisited and reviewed again prior to the new date. This is tiresome, unfair, and exhausting of mental resources.

Importantly, delays exact a physiological toll. Just like gearing up for a race that is subsequently delayed or canceled, you are left at the starting gate with all the adrenaline and nervous energy, all of which was meant to be expelled through participation in and conclusion of the event. When a meeting or hearing is delayed, participants are often stuck with all of the energy and no apparent way to process or expel it.

With so many factors and human beings involved in the divorce litigation process, delays happen. A lot.

So, what can you do?

Manage expectations; practice self-regulation; keep breathing

As soon as you are notified of a delay, make a one-page summary of the issues and topics you expected to cover at the meeting. If there are any unresolved items or questions outstanding, put them in an email to your attorney (copying yourself) so those unfinished items aren’t abandoned. Number documents, and put them in order. Make a quick table of contents of all the documents you have in your stack, then put it all in a folder. Enter a tickler on your calendar and block some time a couple of days before the new date when you will review the file. In the reminder, make a note of where you put the file — it’s one less thing to track in your overtaxed brain.

Get some physical exercise, even taking short walks helps to relieve stress and regulate your system. Take some deep breaths, often. This is a marathon. Above all else, care for yourself throughout the process.

Four Things No One Tells You About Divorce: Part 2

There are many things no one tells you about divorce. This article - part II of our article in four parts - concerns itself with another major, often overlooked, issue in the divorce process. We hope this helps in adjusting expectations and preparing so you can best manage through this largely unmanageable time.

II. Status quo and Shifting Ground

Often folks must carry on with daily life as if nothing has changed, when everything is, in fact, changing. This can include living under the same roof as your to-be ex-spouse and carrying on with many activities as a [not yet redefined] family. This in-between place is usually the period after you have decided to divorce, however, you are still continuing with the same financial and logistical status quo. Divorcing people still have to get to work, meet deadlines, pick up dry cleaning, parent kids, cook dinner, and service their cars — without having the necessary, new structure in place. Without the benefit of the relief that comes from implementing helpful changes (such as time apart, separate residences), but with the added stress of addressing the conflict and working towards a resolution.

During this period, communication between spouses can further deteriorate, and tension in shared space — when separate space is needed — can range from feeling uneasy to being unsafe. This period is a sort of suspension where moving forward, though occurring ever so slowly, is eclipsed by the daily treading water and staying afloat. Kids have to get to activities and prepare homework; households have to run and function. The emotional terrain is shifting and straining everyone’s nerves. This discomforting period is not given the attention it deserves.

Without a new way forward, managing day-to-day can be draining and discouraging.

What can families do now?

Establish one or two simple guidelines to help make this interim period manageable.

• Let go of the conflict about whether to eat dinner together or not. Just get everyone, including yourself, fed.
• Plan for each spouse to have separate time and separate space in the house for at least some period each week.
• Work on a timeline - even if it is for you alone - and map out a time frame including a goal date for living separately and finalizing the divorce.
• Focus on something that supports your stability and sense of efficacy - for example, add some physical activity into your week, at a regular time if possible. Train for a 5k, with other adults if possible. Having something for yourself will help restore a sense of efficacy; exercising your capacity, strength, and separateness.
• Take some actions that move things forward, even on a micro level. If you will be separating households, clear out/organize items in the attic that need to be attended to anyway, and make some progress in concrete ways that feel rewarding and manageable. These types of behaviors can help move some things forward (organizing and thinning out areas of the household is a great help before moving) and is appropriate even while other aspects of life are outside your direct control.
• If you and your spouse agree (and make sure this notion is neither triggering nor explosive) see if you can each take one night a week “off” while the other parent is responsible for the kids and household. Having a chance to resource into other adult company, or get to the gym or a yoga class, particularly while supporting one another in doing so, can be a healing practice, a way to try out cooperation and support, and gift your kids by alleviating some of the stress in the home.
• Keep things as consistent as possible for the children. Encourage their regular activities outside the home and with their peers (these external support systems should be leaned into now).
• Keep packing their school lunches. Do not shift more responsibilities onto the kids right now - even if they are long overdue and age-appropriate - it’s important for the children not to conflate the divorce with having to take on more [unwanted] responsibility and receive less caretaking upon which they currently need to depend.

Four Things No One Tells You About Divorce: Part 3

There are many things no one tells you about divorce. This article — part III of our article in four parts - concerns itself with another critical, often overlooked, issue in the divorce process. We hope this helps in adjusting expectations and preparing you to best manage this largely unmanageable time.

III. Attorneys

Attorneys have a crucial role in the divorce process and it is important to be supported by the appropriate level of expertise; however, people regularly report that their attorneys tend to ratchet things up rather than soothe the situation, particularly in the context of litigation. So, while attorneys provide important services and value to the process, they can also add to the mayhem — like having a lot of cooks in the kitchen, each an expert chef or even a cooking network guru. More people, more everything.

Traditional litigation attorneys, with their excellent training in litigation, are often commensurate with warriors. They are trained to fight and protect their client, and solely their client. In the context of divorce, often the whole family must be regarded as the client. If “winning” means so crippling the opponent as to incapacitate or alienate him, the same “him” upon whom the client must continue to rely and interact regularly, the client may be collaterally and seriously injured by the “win.” In other words, decimating the opponent, when the opponent is still integral to the life of the client (for co-parenting, paying support, and fostering the relationship between parent and child) is unwise; a Pyrrhic victory in the making.

Litigation-oriented attorneys can tend to intensify conflict and focus on violations, from the micro to macro, instead of continuing to prioritize resolving the conflict and finalizing the divorce. Attorneys, all of us, can use reminding that often the client is served by resolving the conflict as swiftly and with the least additional ruptures to the family as possible.

Lingering in a divorce is like spending extra time in a hospital -- the chances of contracting a Staphylococcus infection multiply. More people die from the consequences of long hospital stays than from the ailments that necessitated medical intervention in the first place. Lingering in the divorce process is unhealthy. 

What should you do?

• Choose empathic professionals trained in Alternative Dispute Resolution. Many experienced litigators are also trained to work cooperatively in a mediation-friendly environment. Aim to work with professionals who have substantial experience (not merely training) in mediation. And, if possible, work with individuals who are sensitive to what it is to go through a divorce.
• Remember that your attorney works for you. Even as you defer to their expertise on the law and strategy, remind them of your own needs and goals, the hills you are willing to die on and those you would like to bypass. If your goals change through the process, inform your attorney promptly.
• If you are having doubts about the direction your attorney is taking, you need not abandon ship; you can have a consultation with another attorney to gain the benefit of their input, and to either assure yourself that you are on course, or have the option to evaluate alternatives.

Four Things No One Tells You About Divorce: Part 4

There are many things no one tells you about divorce. This article — part IV of our four-part series  — concerns itself with another critical, often overlooked issue in the divorce process: the establishment of a supportive network. It is best addressed early and often.

In the early days of the pandemic, many of us unwittingly revisited the fear of scarce resources and need for basic items like Clorox and paper goods. There was an urgency, clarity and even a thirst to hoard goods aroused in otherwise moderate, conscientious folks. During divorce, amass supportive resources in the same manner you would amass disinfectant wipes during a Covid outbreak. 

When it comes to support, each of us needs more than we believe is objectively reasonable. When facing divorce, ordinary supports may be compromised or disappear requiring the collecting of new resources.

Independence and Support

Appreciating that we are a nation that stands for independence and equates strength and worth with autonomy and self-reliance, I’d like to nonetheless make room for something else: the undeniable need for connection with others. 

When major life events occur, societies generally celebrate or mourn collectively — it is healing to do so. Whether solemn or celebratory, together we have ways of acknowledging important milestones through well established customs and practices. From sending birthday cards, bringing food, sending flowers, baking cakes, wearing black, we have ways of appreciating what one another goes through and responding in particular, predictable ways, meant to bring comfort and reassurance; to relieve the burden of a difficult time and honor a joyous one.

Divorce Support

Unlike graduations, funerals, or other life-altering events, divorces are still expected to be managed privately. There is no customary, helpful way of coming together in bearing this difficult transition. The absence of an inclusive social norm augments the distress and isolation of divorcing people. Though this will hopefully change as society continues to evolve and adapt to accommodate humans' emerging needs, for now, people going through divorce are encouraged to seek support systems and put them in place.

Support Defined

Sometimes what you expect to be supportive, fails. Those closest to you may be unable or ill-equipped to respond in ways that bring comfort. The nightly talks with your sister may leave you agitated and self-critical instead of soothed and encouraged. Instead of insisting to yourself that you should feel better because you have sororal support, check whether an interaction or activity is, indeed, uplifting. If it's not, regardless of what “should” be, now is the time to find what works.  

It’s important that support feels good. It’s often important to seek support in multiple and possibly unexpected places.

Support in Practice

Immediately, begin to notice the interactions and activities that boost connection, self-regard, relief, and pleasure. Seek those out. 

Make room for enjoyment. A ten-day retreat at Canyon Ranch may be unadvised at the moment, but attending to yourself in small ways throughout the day can be a new way that supports you during the divorce process and beyond. Micro-supports can include pausing to take a break when needed, taking 10-minute walks during lunch breaks, turning on music instead of the news.  Prioritize serenity.  

Groups 

It’s great to have close friends you confide in, but during a separation or divorce it is also helpful to seek groups with which to identify. Belonging is healing. The power of a group can aid us through difficulties in a way an individual cannot.  Many find divorce support groups (we offer one) and 12-Step Groups valuable. There are support groups for nearly everything, so even if divorce support groups are not regularly available, communities (including online) offer other relevant groups (focused on relationships, parenting, grief, transitions) that can be helpful even if not specifically on point. 

Nature

While fostering present-mindedness, nature reminds us we belong to something larger than what is presently occurring.  Time outdoors, hiking, walking in the park or woods, can provide a space to slow down, process, and be alone while rooting into the inherent connection.  Breathe.

Physical Activities

For many, crises like divorce can compromise our concentration, making focusing and solitary tasks unenjoyable and laborious. Anxiety can take over and emotions can become dysregulated. Physical activities that reinforce grounding and being “in the body” can help expel nervous energy, improve and stabilize mood. Physical activities can be more accessible when concentration is poor and more communal if you are feeling isolated. Think running [clubs], walking and hiking groups, gyms, yoga, dance and boxing classes. It can be helpful to take a deliberate break from feeling and thinking; give yourself permission to set things down for a bit so both they and you can settle.

Divorce is a time when overwhelm and responsibility for others may make self-care seem indulgent and unfounded. Challenge that belief! Your mental and emotional stability is a paramount component of your overall health and a foundational necessity for your capacity to help others. Prioritize your inner well-being as you would your physical health. Your emotional state is at least as impactful and contagious as a flu and deserves serious attention. And care.