Early conversations about divorce can be inflammatory and emotional. In fact, they often are not conversations at all, but rather proclamations, threats, cries, intimidations, verbal grabs or pushes, or tests. When divorce is first mentioned, emotions run high and people lash out — on one another as well as themselves. Threatened and frightened people tend to say horrible things, that are both hurtful and damaging.

Below are some common lies divorcing people tell, identified and fact-checked:

Financial Lies

Lie: You’ll get nothing. (the monied spouse)

Lie: I won’t give you …. (the monied spouse)

The lie is the word “give.” Just because you earn it, doesn’t mean it’s yours alone. Just because one person’s name is on it, does not eviscerate the rights of the other spouse to an equitable share of a marital asset. Equitable distribution is about following the LAW of our land — it’s not about benevolence or giving — it’s about dividing what belongs to BOTH of you.

Both parties have rights and responsibilities for whatever was accrued or lost during the marriage, regardless of whose name is one the asset or debt.

Custody Lies

Lie: You’ll never see your children again. (the more primary parent)

Lie: I will/won’t let you have overnights, have 50% custody, see the kids whenever you want …. (the more primary parent)

The lie is in the “let” — no one parent gets to dictate what will happen — both parents will establish a parenting schedule based upon what is best for the children.

Self-Lies

Lies you might tell yourself (self-terrorism — you might have to be on your own terrorist watch list!)

Lie: I’ll be homeless.

These are painful lies that divorcing people tell themselves — the grown up version of children scaring themselves with what is under the bed or in the closet after lights out. Regardless of the range of background, education, employment history, socio-economic status: many dissimilarly situated, good people, share the same fears.

Anecdotally, having served the divorcing population for well over a decade, zero — 0 — people I have worked with have become homeless. As families expand into two households and increase their expenses, some financial uncertainty and adjustment is a normal, and often temporary, consequence of divorce. Financial destitution, ruin and, g-d forbid, homelessness, are more a manifestation of fear-based survival brain, not a likelihood and certainly not an inevitability. If you are having this fear, soothe it.

Survival Brain: when threatened with loss, uncertainty, and even simple change, we humans get taken over by our primitive, reptilian brain which shuts down our analytic capacities and narrows our focus to a survival lens.

The best thing to do is return to your calmer, more integrated mind as soon as you can. No viable solutions come while the primitive brain is in charge.

With your evolved brain activated, solutions arise and problems can be creatively resolved.

The Lies Divorcing People Tell … and What to Do About Them – Part 2

Lies – What to Do About them

If we agree to expect that our own bad behavior and that of others is an inevitable part of life, at least we can prepare for damage mitigation.

In spite of our best efforts to evolve and improve our self-management skills, emotions will likely get the better of us from time to time, resulting in hurtful and damaging outbursts. If we agree to expect that our own bad behavior and that of others is an inevitable part of life, at least we can prepare for damage mitigation. When people talk about divorce, words can be more like sparks from a welding tool, searing and painful. Unprocessed anger, fear, desperation and ignorance have a bilious quality not suited to constructive communication; they hurt both the expressor and the recipient. Raw emotions give way to verbalizations that are often mere expressions of overwhelming, unmanageable feelings, not actual bridges for useful interaction or authentic communication with one another.

When you or another is flooded with negative emotion, constructive communication is impossible.

Here are some things to keep in mind when engaged in a dangerous verbal encounter:

Do Not Peer Into an Erupting Volcano

When you or another is flooded with negative emotion, constructive communication is impossible. Take a time out. Do what is necessary, including taking the time needed to calm down and return to a state of reason and equilibrium before attempting to re-engage and address the conflict.

Some simple ways to do this begin with getting back into a relationship with your own body. Take some deep breaths, take a walk, or shower; exercise. Regroup and regain control. Make space for the other to do the same, without recrimination.

Ninja Listening or Zealous Listening

Strategic listening — what I am terming “Ninja listening” or “Zealous listening”— is a skill to start honing now. Listen to the other as if to a piece of music; hear more the way you would listen for a storm passing. Include yourself in your listening — how is your body taking it in? By listening in a spacious, self-monitoring way, you can not only give the other a wide berth, but you can stay present and responsive to yourself, including your needs to take a break or make other adjustments to protect your emotional safety. This way of listening can reshape and relieve a situation; at the very least it does not worsen it.

I’m coaching you here, how to listen more effectively when the words can strike and scar and are better to hold at arm’s length — the way you would a pan splattering oil.

Treat threats and attacks as verbal fits; keep a safe distance and do not join in.

Do Not Engage 

Do not engage with threats of any kind. Allow threats to fall like bombs and detonate in the ocean — which, admittedly, is not great for ocean life but at least protects land-lover civilizations. It’s better if the threat is just allowed to be swallowed by non-reactive, yielding, water-like quiet, so it can dissipate while you maintain a safe distance.

Resist responding with aggressive silence or speech. Try instead for nimble, friendly, even sympathetic observation. Allow the comment to have only the oxygen immediately surrounding it, and provide it none of yours. Give it no more life. If you pick it up, even to refute it, you make the unwanted thing larger and stronger. Instead, allow it to fall and die a quick and quiet death. Then move on.

Treat threats and attacks as verbal fits; keep a safe distance and do not join in.

Don’t Take It Literally

Do not take an angry rant for the truth of the matter asserted. Don’t take angry words literally. Mute the words and instead hear the feeling behind them — the feelings might be big, wet cries for comfort — the way a tired child cries for no apparent reason and the wise parent responds by putting him to bed rather than inquiring into what has him so upset.

Often the person who is lashing out feels frenzied and emotionally overwhelmed and is unconsciously endeavoring to make the other feel what they are feeling, or at least demonstrate or alleviate their own terrible feelings. To the extent you’re able to get some space around it and understand it as an expression of emotion rather than factual declarations to be taken literally, you can survive it.

Don’t engage and don’t take it literally.

Find Your Feet Then Find the Facts

Consult with an attorney or mediator. Speak with a financial advisor or accountant. Orient yourself by obtaining information. Pay attention to the particulars of your finances and circumstances; grow educated and grounded in factual reality. Fact-finding helps balance the high emotionality that often runs the show, especially the first act, of a divorce.