This article, part of the series with our partner and friend, couples therapist Meredith Keller, LPC, ACS, explores unfaithfulness and infidelity, challenging the misconception that they always necessitate the end of a marriage.

While an affair usually signals marital issues requiring attention, infidelity need not necessitate divorce. There has long been the belief that divorce is the only reasonable and self-respecting response. But Meredith proposes that this might not be the only option, and is perhaps not even the best or most mature recourse.

There are many ways that partners can be unfaithful; many of which are achieved while fully clothed. Obviously, there’s sexual infidelity, but there are also emotional infidelities, financial betrayals, and a myriad of manners in which partners are disloyal to their primary relationships. Whenever one spouse is deliberately hiding something important from the other out of fear of the consequences of exposing it, whether “it” is a romantic relationship or a gambling habit, the integrity of the relationship is likely being traduced. This article deals with the ordinary lipstick on the collar, phone calls taken in separate rooms, kind of infidelity. It’s worth noting, however, that all sorts of relationship trespasses can be healed with remedies outlined in this series.

Meredith says infidelity doesn’t have to be a marital fatality. The breach is repairable with professional intervention. She breaks the intervention into three stages:

1. The Present (which I have broken into two phases)
2. The Past
3. The Future

The Past and Future will be discussed in subsequent articles. Here we begin with:

The Present – Phase One

Spouses who have just learned of an affair are in crisis. Let’s call the spouse who had the affair, Lane, and the injured spouse Ryan. It is not that both parties aren’t injured and in need of support, however, the first stage of Meredith’s therapeutic intervention takes up the immediate needs of the spouse who just learned of the affair. The initial therapeutic focus is to help Ryan deal with the intense, hurt, negative feelings. If possible, it is optimal for Lane to be present. Lane’s presence in and of itself can be an important foundation and critical step in Ryan’s healing process.

If Lane is able to be present for and listen to Ryan; to validate what he is hearing from his injured partner, the couple can begin to bridge the disconnect and heal the divide.

Often the injured spouse feels not only diminished but abandoned. For Lane, the spouse who had the affair (who is also dealing with complex feelings), being with Ryan, the injured party, requires a deep level of care, patience and commitment, not to mention ego strength. When Ryan can experience this kind of turning towards from Lane, the very one who turned away, the experience can be antidotal to abandonment and disregard.

This first stage of working with a couple in crisis aims to achieve two things: to address the critical negative feelings and begin building rapport between the parties; this may help the couple move out of crisis and into a state of more willingness to work on the relationship and prepare for what needs to happen next.

The Present: Phase Two – Infidelity: Moving Towards Listening and Away from Blame

In discussing infidelity, it’s important to note that unfaithfulness is not necessarily the only problem in the relationship. Therapeutically, there is no purpose for moral blame. An affair is often best understood as an expression of something that is not working in the relationship between the two people.

In phase 1 – “The Present,” – Meredith deliberately does not explore this because it might exacerbate the hurt and invalidation felt by the injured party. Phase one is not yet the place to apportion responsibility or search out the reasons the affair occurred in the first place.

In this preliminary stage, Meredith also does something called an “exit exercise.” With both partners, she looks at the different ways they might have abandoned each other within their relationship.

How do you exit a relationship without leaving?

One catastrophic way people abandon the relationship is a refusal to get treatment for addiction or mental illness. More commonly, people leave in ways that are not as overtly self-destructive but nonetheless permit spouses to emotionally avoid one another. Examples are overworking or being overly involved with the children.

There are all different ways that both parties might have left the relationship. There can be a sort of game or conversation about, “How do I exit?” One spouse might sleep too much, watch TV during dinner, or keep their head in their cell phone when it really would be a time where they should just be together.

During this phase, Meredith helps couples identify all the ways they leave the relationship. And, some of these exits, in order to move forward, need to be closed. Essentially, closure is that the person having the affair must be willing to end the affair; to close the relationship. That is a requirement for moving forward.

The Good News About Infidelity — Part 2: The Past

This article with our colleague, couples’ therapist Meredith Keller, LPC, ACS, continues the exploration of post-infidelity therapeutic intervention. Up until now, we have discussed the initial goals of therapy after an affair, specifically: working with the shock and hurt of the party who learned of the affair, rehabilitating rapport between the parties, and identifying ways that both spouses have withdrawn from the relationship.

Whether an affair occurs often comes down to one dispositive factor: choice. As social creatures with long life spans, opportunity and even desire may be impossible to avoid. Choice is where we retain some control.

For people in committed relationships, it is not a question of temptation or conflicted feelings, rather it is a question of which actions to take or refrain from taking.

This article brings us to the heart and soul of Meredith’s approach to couples.

Here we return to our players, Lane (the partner who had the affair) and Ryan. In order to arrive at this point in the therapeutic process, two things have occurred; (i) Lane has ended the affair, and (ii) both Lane and Ryan have agreed to move on as a couple. Now they can turn to relevant portions of the past to glean information that can move them forward.

The inquiry into the past focuses on such questions as What was the function of the affair? How did Lane feel when with the other person? The goal of such questions is of course not to cause distress, but rather to uncover critical openings for change and repair in the primary relationship.

There is usually something that is important to unlock regarding how and why Lane felt differently when with the other person. Some need was addressed in the affair that was unattended to, possibly unspeakable within the principal partnership with Ryan.

For example, in his marriage, Lane never let Ryan know that he had a particular sexual preference or fetish. Lane never expressed this because the risk of Ryan’s rejection or ridicule felt too threatening.  The sexual reveal could even rupture the relationship. Contrarily, in the affair relationship, Lane could explore this forbidden sexual terrain with relatively low risk. Note, in this instance, whatever Lane’s particular sexual proclivity, it is an important expression of his authenticity – not something frivolous that can be simply repressed for the good of the marriage. Lane’s need for a particular sexual experience represents an aspect of aliveness that needs to have a real-world, safe space to explore. Unexpressed, Ryan had no pathway to meet or address Lane’s need, so any exploration, whatever it would have been, never had a chance.

Another example might be that Lane felt pressured to be a certain prototype within the marriage, and this meant that certain important personal aspects were neglected. Lane understood and fulfilled his narrowly interpreted role as it seemed to serve the family and garner positive reinforcement. Lane saw his role as provider, reassurer, stabilizer. Verbalizing his insecurities about career or the family’s financial future would undermine who he was aiming to be. These exiled vulnerable parts, contending with doubts and worries, sought refuge elsewhere – in the affair relationship.

Notice there is no assignment of blame. To say Lane should have been more expressive and open or Ryan should have fostered a safer space for Lane misses the point. Each relationship has its own life, replete with fears, maladaptive and well-meaning defensive mechanisms. We are better served looking for openings for change than criticizing locked doors.

Without the skills, or assistance to gain them within the primary relationship, Lane might have used the affair as a place to hold the stuff that he determined (correctly or not) threatened the relationship. Ironically, an affair is often an off-the-mark attempt to protect the marital relationship. Lane can carry on as the strong, stoic one, provided there is a place for the more vulnerable, fearful part to seek refuge. In the affair, in connection with someone with whom his fate is not tied, with whom he is far less invested, he can speak more freely, and garner sympathy, understanding, and comfort.

The affair served as a place the disenfranchised part(s) can go. Like a neighborhood pub of sorts.

So, if the affair served a purpose, unearthing that purpose can inform what needs “building out” in the marriage. Now a generative process can begin, with inquiries such as:

• How can the marital relationship be a place that can house much, if not all, of what is needed?
• How can the relationship be made safer so each partner can reveal more of themselves?
• What is in the way of exploring together?
• What assurances, guidance, guidelines, methods, techniques, systems, language are needed to invite and contain more of the multidimensionality and complexity of both individuals?

And what is needed in the marriage so it can more graciously and creatively house both parties?

If the affair serves as an outbuilding for the marriage, the therapeutic goal is to help the couple renovate their marital structure so that ultimately no separate dwelling is needed — everything can occur under one roof without jeopardizing the unit.

How do we make and reshape the relationship and open things up, to be able to have the relationship be the proper home, to house, whatever is alive for both people, rendering outbuildings or affairs unnecessary? What needs to happen in the marriage to make space, to integrate, or invite these ousted parts into the relationship? How can the relationship make safe space for the hitherto segregated aspects of self?

Spoiler alert: both people usually know about the unspoken aspects of the other anyway, but neither party has the skill set to navigate this without outside, therapeutic help.

Usually, in Meredith’s experience, the spouse (Ryan) is willing to make space for Lane’s whole self. With the therapist’s help, the couple can begin to bring this unnamed aspect into dialogue and ultimately into the relationship.

So, this is rather wonderful!

Unsayable, important aspects of self that seemed unwelcome inside the relationship, that sought refuge in an affair, are invited into the marriage and out of the cold. The relationship is called to deepen and expand and be supported while it develops. If the affair can be understood as, among other painful consequences, has provided important information, the couple has an opportunity to invite intricate aspects of one another into the relationship and enhance their capacity for more.

The Good News About Infidelity — Part 3: The Future

This article, the last in the infidelity series with our partner and friend, couples therapist Meredith Keller, LPC, ACS, looks to the future for couples overcoming a marital breach:

Where Do We Go From Here? 

The future concerns itself with co-creating a new and better relationship, informed by the therapeutic explorations in the early phases (the Past and Present).

What can emerge now can be a deepened intimacy, a richer, more mosaic relationship, where more of the other can be present, shared and known.

Here in the process, the couple is building something new, expanding their relational structure so that it can now accommodate who they more fully know themselves to be. This expanded structure has room for the hidden, unexpressed and disenfranchised aspects of themselves. 

It is quite possible to heal after an affair. And not only that, but also, with the necessary work, grow the relationship. 

Part of the work that Meredith does in this part of the process recognizes and acknowledges that the betrayed spouse will be triggered from time to time. Certain things will set each one off. The couple, together with the therapist, develops a framework and strategy for handling these events when they arise.

And what will arise will require thoughtful, regular management. This is anathema to our Ryan (the “injured” spouse) having a free pass to beat the heck out of Lane (our transgressor); it is not a set up wherein Lane must steal himself against an endless barrage of backlash. The framework is meant to avoid punishment, abuse, stonewalling and toxic reliving of the hurt. Instead it is meant to anticipate that the hurt will naturally arise,  and both parties must be prepared to meet it with the patient attention it requires in order for it to resolve. In this way the spouses continue the healing process, while establishing safety and solidarity.  

Some examples of how the couple preemptively plans to navigate the post-affair pitfalls:

• When Lane has to travel back to the location where the affair took place, Ryan becomes afraid of another infidelity. Lane and Ryan might agree that Lane will leave the location app active on his phone during the trip, and will be in frequent contact at designated times and/or responsive when Ryan texts or calls. The couple might agree that Ryan will need to talk when worrying thoughts arise and that Lane will listen and reassure Ryan of their love for one another.  
• If the computer was integral in the affair, Ryan might worry when Lane is on the computer outside of work hours. Again, the spouses will develop a supportive interaction around this. Maybe Lane agrees to leave the computer history active and all Internet searches public. Perhaps Lane invites Ryan into the computer room to share what is being looked at/worked on.  

With any plan, the betrayed spouse must be able to come to his partner when triggered and verbalize what he is wondering or feeling without being told to “Let it go, already!” The betrayed spouse can ask for his preferred types of assurances, perhaps a hug or verbal affirmation, so as to feel reconnected. As they encounter post-affair challenges, the couple can work together in this way, (rather than repeat the avoidant, combative or defensive behaviors enacted prior to and during the affair), to create a new way of being together. This new way is on the side of the self and the other. This new way is on the side of their relationship.